They say it can be done, they say it can sometimes gets worse before it gets better. Nothing can be said, nothing can be done to help prepare for the first relationship after a heartbreak. Life throws curve balls, life gives you challenges that test you, it even tricks you to think you reached the final point and just when you are getting comfortable it crumbles your foundation.
It starts with the random smiling with out a reason other than a thought of them, it then goes to that feeling you get when you miss them, it then moves toward the desire to make them happy, and as each of these steps progress you move further and further away from your past. Or at least you think that as you get more and more into it you will go further & further from your past. I was under this illusion when I met the sweetest man ever, dare I say the perfect match for me.
I struggled, I was torn, I was afraid I wasn’t ready for something this awesome. I found myself falling for this man and learning his quirks, dreams, desires and flaws. Going down this road I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t there yet, I didn’t know if I would ever be there, I was afraid I would be hurting this man and hurting my chances at happiness. I was thinking what would have happened if I met this man 6 months from now, would I have even hesitated in the slightest?! 3 months in, I was still numb, I didn’t know if I should continue down this road. I felt like I wasn’t being my true self, I had a huge wall up! I was not only hurting but I was trying to not bring the past into the future and sabotage a relationship before it even started
Then, it then hit me, like a ton of bricks; it was like I woke up, like I could be happy, and let myself fall for someone. Don’t get it twisted, I still stupidly find myself comparing the man I am with now to my past, lucky for me this one is amazing and 1000x’s better. I find the better things in this man, the smallest things ever that mean the world to me. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time. The sadness stems from the fact I at one point was willing to settle for something less than what I deserve.
The happy comes from the mere idea that I found someone that makes me smile. I find myself comparing little situations and things, I get so upset with myself because its like comparing apples and oranges….no it is like comparing rotten apples to oranges and that is just not fair to the sweet man I am deciding to be with now. Fortunately he is amazingly understanding, I mean in all honesty it is making me appreciate him that much more.
It alarms me to think that I would have been settling to the largest degree and at the time of my past relationship I thought I was in a normal relationship and that I was happy. But being where I am, with who I am and seeing how things work so seamlessly and effortless now, I couldn’t imagine things ever going back. After talking with friends, the sentence my boyfriend comes out of my mouth I cringe for a second because I feel guilty because I am worried that they are going to think, I am rushing or that I haven’t given the proper amount of heal time. I don’t think there is a right time or even a predetermined time that a person should be single before they find love again. I think you have to listen to your heart and do what feels right!
I am so much happier with myself, my life, and my relationship. My wish for you is to ignore heart ache and let the light shine through your darkest days and know there is warmth around the corner!