Holy Crap….let’s talk whirl wind life, heartbreak and loving yourself!
Be Prepared, I am trying not to shorten this story for the sake of readership, I am using this as a level of therapeutic expression, or maybe in hopes of saving someone from the roller coaster that was my most recent relationship, but let’s be honest, you can’t save some one, you can just show them they are not alone. It is one, among MANY things I have learned from this….
Let us start from the beginning…
Boy meets girl, girl doesn’t give him the time of day. They strike up a friendship for about 2 years because they both were attached at the time and when the stars finally (kind of) aligned in their favor… they begin what seems like a true romance. The courting was great, dates almost every day; the man was really laying it on thick. The girl (that’s meeee) was eating it up, and falling
head over heels. To the outside world there was an amazing romance happening, even to my blind eyes I was thinking this was the making of an amazing partnership. (It has taken me a long time to write this blog purely for the facts I have locked up so many of the negative memories, that I couldn’t even access them I).
There were times that man made me feel so special and so loved that I literally could see hearts in the sky, but as our relationship aged and matured, those moments were far and few between. I think when averaged out, I spent more time worried, upset and heartbroken then the feeling of warmth and love. Some people might wonder why I would stay if I continued to be so un happy! I honestly don’t know what to say, maybe I saw that there was a good man in there screaming to get out, maybe it was because I loved the idea of him, maybe I saw a fixer-upper and I knew it would be an adventure.
Over time in our relationship we had our fights; we had our moments of wanting to end things. There are a couple nights that stood out in my mind because they showed me his true colors and the strength I had to be the person I am. One night my sister and I went out to the city to meet him and his friends, he was already pretty deep in drinks but he was so lovey I couldn’t be upset. A couple hours into the night he kept leaving me, there was even a point I was dancing and other guys were around me, he didn’t even show a moment of jealousy. When he was drunk beyond belief I was ready to go, we shortly realized his friends had left him in my hands. Weird right, well later in my relationship I realized why! Well anyways we were finally leaving, and in the elevator there was a family of Indian decent and my boyfriend thought they were looking at him funny, so he tried to provoke a fight with them. I was MORTIFIED! We got to the car and almost instantly he passed out cold, it took everything in my power to not take corners quickly. Of course my sister was in the car so I had to put on the tough girl act and make it seem like this was nothing! But this was the first time in our relationship I had seen/dealt with him this bad! The next day we had a long talk, and the outcome was don’t worry it won’t happen again and that he was sorry. I stupidly believed him!
I mean the day to day was fine and dandy, but reflecting back on those days, I could never count on him, I felt like I was the glue that flapping flag to the pole.
Another event that stood out to me, was we were out to dinner and I was looking at something on his phone and my gut told me to look at his texts messages, and sure enough I found that he went to some girls house at 4am, and spent the night….. Alright… folks what would you do? I walked out, not in a scene; I went to my car, let out a huge sobbing cry, collected myself and walked back into the restaurant. (The restaurant was where he worked and the girl was a co-worker (who he had said had a crush on him). I walked back in, and I asked him to explain, he of course had something to say, like he went over there because there were a lot of people there and it was a party. Well, this event is what sent us to therapy every week for 6 months. Back story on the therapy we fought a lot about the same things, girls he talked to, his actions I didn’t understand, you know the “normal’ relationship wrinkles we were just ironing them out. HA! Ok anyways, therapy was his idea, he was like “I love you, you are it for me, let’s go to therapy maybe it can help” See folks.., those things were what kept me attached. So we went to therapy and things were GREAT our relationship was being tested in good ways and we could see the growth within, and were happy! Well, that all changed when we moved in together….OH a little thing that maybe you picked up on, or maybe not…he has a bit of an addiction problem…
I would think of him out, but when he was out he would almost punished me if I texted him, when I say that it means if I texted he would then purposely not text me back…
I use to worry about events we did on his days off and if there was booze, for both sides of the spectrum… If there was booze would he get too drunk and embarrass me, or if there wasn’t booze would he throw a fit about going, for example: my sorority sister had a wedding and it was dry, I held that fact out until we were a couple hours into our drive… When I told him he was so upset with me… That wedding was gorgeous but I couldn’t enjoy it or relax because I knew how upset\bored he was…
The hardest thing about everything was I would do anything for him, I sucked it up and acted like a trooper for a ton of things he wanted to do and I didn’t… But for the few events I wanted my boyfriend to come too he couldn’t put a trooper face and support me…
When we moved in together I really got to see him… I think he came home almost every single night drunk, he was ok with leaving me home and not check in…. and come home after the bars closed drunk….I think I cried myself to sleep almost every night that happened….. Some nights I would be worried about him and I would call, with no answer for hours! Then he would come home like nothing was wrong. There was one night he got off work and asked if I wanted to go out to a bar with him, I had told him I didn’t feel well and it would be nice to have him come home. He didn’t come home till after 2:30… And when he did come home he was loud, turned on the lights and was loud and crazy, completely disrespecting the fact I was sick, it is like he didn’t care.
I mean I have to say, there were nights he came home all lovingly drunk and sweet and cute…but those weren’t as many as the crazy nights. There was one night in the last two weeks, we shall call them hell weeks… he came home drunk and I had asked how his night was, and if he had fun… He lost it! He got soo mad that I was asking him and checking up on him. I am sorry, I thought normal people asked people how the days were when they were in a relationship. He was so angry he threw this book at me, it landed behind my head and he then preceded throw some shoes too. That night was the first night I left at 2:00am and stayed the night at my parents.. This set the huge ball of mud rolling down the hill. He saw me leaving as a decision, not an action. The next morning he couldn’t even muster the strength to talk. Must be nice being a drunk, he gets to forget all of the things I can never, ever forget!
So the hell week, was a series of rinse and repeat, I would go to work, he was sleeping off his hangover, I would come home he was at work, I would be home, he would be at the bar, I would be sleeping he would come home drunk. No time for us, no sober time. I was feeling so lost, I was feeling like I was losing control of myself. When I feel that happening I would always pray to my grandma for guidance, this time her guidance came in the form of a rescue puppy. I have never been the impulsive type but the Monday before doomsday(the day I left) I felt this urge to check for a puppy, I came across a listing for a rescue puppy, I went for it.. I went that moment and got it…I brought it home. He wanted it, I wanted it… the stupid ruinmate( I used the right word, he was a poison that got into our relationships cracks) said no, mind you this ruinmate has a dog, A BIG ONE. The fact that my boyfriend couldn’t stand up to this guy about a little puppy was the icing on the cake… I can honestly say I left because of the dog, and I am so thankful for that dog because I don’t think I would have left when I did with out it. I would have toughed it out because I feel like I was able to handle it, or deal with it. But let me just say… I shouldn’t have to deal with it or handle it….no one should. The pain, the worrying, the suffering… I feel like a whole weight has been lifted from me. It is a liberating thing to not worry about a boyfriend making a fool of himself or you, getting drunk and in trouble, or even doing something worse….
I was on the plane to San Diego which was my much deserved vacation. I was sitting next to a woman and we got to talking, she said something to me that helped bring a lot into light… She said that an addict stops aging at the age they started their choice addiction. This makes SO much sense! He was 31 but wasn’t doing the “normal” things a 31 would do, getting secure, growing up, and settling down. I am so glad to realize that there was nothing I could do to help him even though the whole time I was with him I thought I could help him… This blog is not nearly as detailed as I would like, but I felt very vulnerable with giving the very intimate details, because my ex is an awesome guy for the right person and I learned a lot from him and our relationship. I find that I will be a better person from it and don’t think he deserves to have all of his laundry aired. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in life… I loved him.. But I had to love myself more…….
In the images below the closing, you will see the trend and my thought process. I would write in the little cell journal every night that I couldn’t go to sleep because of the anger or hurt or whatever I was feeling, so instead of letting it bother me and my sleep, I would write it and forget it……
So what now??!?!?! Stay tuned to my next post, but let’s be honest… I am an adult and I just want to have fun!!! I already have a post brewing about being a woman and going for what you want and how it can have a serious double standard and can be discouraging!
I still miss him… Idk why I miss him sometimes… I was a single girl with a boyfriend since the party nights were the bar tending nights
What did he contribute?
Photo Credit to @mandyhale The single woman :
If you don’t feel like reading all of this let me just give you the re-cap… He said a lot of words with no actions, I could never count on him… we had no trust and many issues……
October 2012– The fact he lied about when he last had sex, right after having sex with me….. The fact he hooked up with someone while pursing me….Why he would offer to meet up and talk about it, would he have told me? Opened the portal for me not to trust him. You say I’m all you want, yet when you were on your way to having me you slept with her?! I need to understand how that happened… I thought it was something of your past, is that way you don’t consider me your rebound? The fact he should know how if we plan something and he has been asked to work he should know what my answer would be because he cares and knows how it makes me feel. He knows how I feel on things and still does them.
December 2012– I should be your everything, you came to me to talk about things because I understood, and nothing has changed expect now you don’t talk to me… You talk to ones you have slept with… It is not fair to me… Emotionally to know my boyfriend who loves me is confiding in women you have had sex with. To me sex is a big deal… Doesn’t seem like it is to you. Therefore you won’t fully understand where I am coming from. The story keeps changing and the timeline keeps changing lie by submission is still a lie…. What more is there to the story, another one nighters I haven’t learned about? I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this… You know what this does to me, fix it or change it or I won’t be around to stand for it, because it is emotionally stressful and I shouldn’t have that in a loving committed relationship. The sad or good thing about it all, if you say you are done talking to them or whatever I’ll still wonder but trusting you, because you have seamlessly lied before about them, once that trust gets lost we won’t have anything so don’t make another promise you don’t intend on keeping because this little issue boils down to trust… Without trust we have nothing!!!! If they are benefited to your life fine, but that’s your decision on what is more important….because it could be a breaking point for us if this doesn’t change or get resolved.
Also if you say you can and you don’t, or you hide it or lie… I am gone no matter how much you mean to me because that would just show you don’t respect me and don’t care how I feel….
Have you realized this issue is always our biggest fight, yet nothing gets changed?
Don’t make it seem like you are so much more trusting, I have not given you any reason to doubt me, you have.
Yes past things are being brought up because they are affecting our future, I don’t want to keep fighting over this same crap, you know how I feel about this all, what you do with is your decision.
It’s easy to say you love me and that you would do anything for me… But to actually act on that and physically show me that is different.
Jan 2013–I want a man who wants to hear about my day, who answers my call who wants to tell me where they are and who they are with not because I ask but because they want too. I wish you would check your phone the way you do when you are with me(when you aren’t around me) it frustrates me because when we are together it vibrates you jump to it but they way you are when you aren’t with me it’s like you don’t have a phone. I feel like you try and forget me when you aren’t with me. Or that you don’t think about me when we aren’t together and that bothers me.
I need reassurance at least for awhile I don’t get that, I don’t get I loves you too or have a good nights from you…when you are out…
Strike 3…. If you can’t fix this behavior we can’t make this work
You selfish… I sit and want to make you happy and act on it. You tell me you would do anything to make me happy. Yet you actually don’t act on it. I know you love me, act like you care about me or be in love with me.
Trust doesn’t appear it’s earned and frankly you give me no reason to trust you, Lady1 vs. Taxi, Hannah Montana at claim jumper the night you met me outside instead (when asked you were hanging with Bro 1, again a lie is a lie even if it’s a choice omission) and those are just a few.. what about every other thing I may not know..
March 2013–You will lose me… The night you decided to go to her house ruined everything we have built in regards to trust and commitment… Check phone… If he called her… Why would he be compelled… If she called and he says yes… It sends the wrong message about his relationship status and commitment… To a girl it says there is a chance… I know your intentions may be to just be friends… But you have to watch your boundaries… You don’t want to cont to lead her on or get yourself in a situation you can’t get out of or you’ll regret…
April 2013- I can’t count on him, I know he has great intentions but no follow through… I’m developing a habit of hearing his words but knowingly expecting him to not do it…our relationship lacks the passion and desire in actions to be with each other.
June 2013– Overall frustrated… I felt funny mad hurt sad that he chose to stay with his friend that he drug me out to “meet” sometimes I feel like he just wanted a ride… I felt used, left, unimportant… And it’s not about his friends it’s about his drinking choosing to stay and drink rather than go with me…. That he said he wasn’t going to take shots anymore and the next day he was taking shots…. I hate that I can’t count on him….
I can’t count on you to do anything you say you will, every plan we make changes
It’s not normal to act this way, going to the bar by yourself for all hours, a couple drinks is fine. And with no desire to tell me when you are off or inviting me to be with you. It’s almost rebellious
Before we moved in he would tell me when he was off work and would invite me out, now he doesn’t things shouldn’t change this much
There is no romance, no wooing no working for our relationship no intimacy…
We don’t do anything I feel like all we do is argue about him drinking or going out. If he didn’t drink all the time and spend most nights out partying we would have more time for us, and we wouldn’t be fighting…
He disregards my desires of normalcy because he thinks they are from movies or Cosmo… But they are really just the things I need
There is something not right with you wanting to be out drinking by yourself over being home with me or even having me come out with you.
This last week he spent the 3 nights he had off drinking… Not spending any time with me until the night I made him do something with me
I should not make him he should offer
He doesn’t do anything to show or prove to me that he wants me or this relationship
I can’t handle him drinking all the time
I respect him and his choice to drink but I can’t watch this happen… When he is like this he isn’t the kind if man I think I can spend my life with. And what hurt me most.. He thinks everything is ok with his actions…
I shouldn’t be a back burner for drinking and your bar life
I don’t like that I went into this going off his wors of when I have my own place I’ll go to the bar less… Since we have moved in there isn’t a single night that he hasn’t gone to the bar
A night cap that lasted 4 hours… “Seeing me soon” those are all things that he says and I believe but he is never true to his words even his coming home soon at 11:30 and doesn’t come till after 1am and the worst part is I can’t even call or text to ask where he is because I am worried, he takes it as nagging.
When he told me he was going for a night cap, and he’d see me soon, I wanted to believe with all my heart that meant he was only going for a couple hours, but I knew in my head that meant he would be closing the bar down…
I don’t want a drunk for a boyfriend it’s hard because I am in love with an alcoholic and there is nothing he is willing to do to change it because he thinks it’s is normal to drink this much
I want someone who chooses me…
Not a night life or the fast scene
I don’t think he is able to go a single day with out a drink
We have fought none stop for 2 weeks I think it’s cuz he is drinking more, being unreliable and not respectful.
I put up with the actions for the first week—kid in candy store
But now— if this is how I can expect things, I can’t do this… I want more than crying myself to sleep because my boyfriend would rather be drinking at a bar…
I hate feeling jealous of others relationships when I never felt this way before…