It is totally unhealthy, but yet we sometimes need it. That constant feel of being needed, talked to, leaned on, dedicated to and loved. We desire to have the one person who isn’t obligated to listen to us but chooses to. A lot of people allow themselves to feed this need of being chosen in outlets that are less than who they are in their core.
I was talking to a friend about one of her recent encounters, she has a guy that is her “go to” she hears from him every so often to come and “watch” movies. She will end up spending the night and not hearing much from him until the next week or so. She was content with this for a few times because it was the feeling of being needed/wanted. She started questioning what she wanted and what the point of these hangs out were when she ultimately was looking for a relationship and this was the wrong place. She asked him if she was more than a booty call, or if he had these cuddle sessions with anyone else. He of course said she was it, but she didn’t believe but yet she still finds herself going to watch movies and hang out with him. She asked me if she was crazy because she still lets herself be vulnerable to someone she knows isn’t going anywhere. But she just can’t help but think what if…
This question I couldn’t get it out of my head, I am sure many, many women and men too have let themselves keep going to something that is safe because it hits the spot of feeling wanted and needed. I know personally if I was talking to someone or seeing someone and things change I obsess over why; you know the obsession, whats wrong with me, am I not good enough, etc. When really I know it could be as easy as they were busy, grumpy, or at a loss of conversation.
How do you stop the cycle? The cycle of searching for being needed and when you have a glimmer of it clinging to it and obsessing if it stops. Those of us looking for that person to complete us, this struggle is really in you. It mostly comes to being afraid of being alone, that fear of not finding someone is what makes us cling to the ones who give us the glimmer of hope of being needed.
My friends ask why I am not out there actively dating, I try to explain to them I have tried that, and all I got was a bunch of conversations that fed my need for being wanted. None of them ended up being of substance or what I was looking for, but yet, I was content talking to them. I was using them as a crutch and got way too comfortable with it. Obsessive almost…. I would be talking to someone and it would go days even weeks, and then stop. To me, because of the addiction of talking to someone, that stopping was like a break up with out ever really knowing someone. You get use to having certain people talking to you even if they actually don’t mean anything. It was someone, it was someone who wanted to talk to you and then something changed. Me, I question the why and that is where I become obsessive. I replay conversations, encounters whatever it may be, even looking for signals I missed. I just couldn’t figure it out(Look here for a blog about texting) Also, I have this gut feeling that I have already met the person that’s my person and they always say you find it when you’re not looking….but that’s another story and another post.
For those who are looking for something real, you’re not going to be able to find it if you are spending your time with the wrong ones. I am sure like I have said, its safe…its fun…but it’s not what you want. So why….why limit yourself from finding your “person” because you are busy being occupied with someone who is only there for a moment. Most of those encounters are the ones that will sooner or later be a memory that makes you smile(either because you were able to get out of the rut, or you really enjoyed your time). To have something you have to be open to it.
The cycle, I think I diverted from the question, because I am honestly still learning this myself. I related a lot to my friend because there are definitely moments where I find myself in this cycle, but recently I have tried to divert from them by focusing on other things that still feed that “need to be needed”. I volunteer, I spend more time with my friends and working on myself. I think that is the best way to break the cycle or at least make yourself so busy and occupied you don’t have time to let yourself need to be needed in the wrong ways.
Just remember that you always have it in you, you have self-respect, you’re needed, you’re enough and that you find the things you are looking for when you stop looking and don’t use things as your place holder…..