When too good to be true…is just that..not true

The moment you think you have met the one, the one who has everything you want in a person. We all have been there in one way or another… We start imagining the future, and they started the ideas in your head. You have let the steps roll through, they meet your family because they asked (this seems like a good thing)… This can always be scary but your new significant other sails through with flying colors; a family like mine…they don’t leave very many survivors… You let your guard down a little bit because he made it through the firing squad that is your family.

He is proving to be everything you want; he even starts all the future things you are looking for… He tells you he loves you, he told his mom about you, and he wants to ask your dad if he can marry you… Oh no… I didn’t fast forward this time line this is a 3 month span…. You don’t think anything more than wow, I found a guy who knows what he wants and how to get it.

But then….. Things don’t start to add up… You find that you’re questioning a lot more… Like multiple hospital visits where they go Mia for a whole day and night. I don’t know about you… But if I’m in the hospital I would want my significant other with me…. Hello first red flag…there were plenty more***

Habits from the beginning start changing, when he use to answer your phone calls no matter what, now you don’t hear from him for hours, or he texts back instead of calling. Those dates every other night become that of only a weekly thing, if at all. Those nightly phone calls become you calling to a “dead” phone. He stopped answering the phone with a friendly Hi babe, to a Hey?… When you start to question things, it becomes a long argument or a why are you questioning my actions, don’t you trust me? Things start going off in your head… the way that every girl starts to over think things…

This was me….. I started having my family in one ear question him and feeling like I need to defend him because he is a part of me at this point and if he looks bad, I look bad. But all the negativity was starting to get to me and luckily for me in some regard, he and I had amazing communication, we could talk about anything!! I exploded and started to talk to him about all my doubts and all the grief I was getting from my family…. I told him my fears of being made into a fool for standing up for him and I… he promised, he swore to God (which a little background, I never questioned when he said swore to god because from day one, he explained he was a God fearing Muslim, he was a praying Muslim and followed the Qur’an, Mosque every Friday and a lot more…this made me respect him and that was that). Anyways he swore to God he would not make me into a fool and he would prove all my family doubts wrong. I believed him. I believed he loved me, I believed he had the best intentions when he came to Evernote Camera Roll 20150616 231301my house a month after meeting me to ask my dad if he could marry me, I believed in the words he was painting for a future he wanted with me. His sweet words are truly what clouded my intuition, for every concern I had, he had a solution or a question… and I am strong individual and I fell for every honey soaked word he gave me. I hate to say that he played on that, but I think he at least counted on it, and used it.

I felt the relationship change, I knew something was different. I even asked, he said it was stress from work and it will be over soon. I believed him, if I didn’t what was the point of being with him. A lot of things were happening in this time that just wasn’t feeling right, but again with our open communication I would ask, he would have an excuse or reason. One morning he called me, early… to tell me that I would be getting a facebook message maybe from a girl(a girl we will name Girl A, I knew all about the this girl from what he had told me in prior conversations….she worked inEvernote Camera Roll 20150616 211346(3) the industry, they were business partners..She was a lesbian and was getting married in a few weeks…he showed me a photo and my gut told me I didn’t like her… I told him, he laughed and said I have nothing to worry about). He told me that he and she got into a fight over business and she was trying to ruin his relationship with me as pay back. We talked a lot about it… she did message me…I looked at her facebook… I saw photos of them that were not acceptable for a man in a committed relationship…. He tried to play it off as they were past photos…jokes on him…a watch I gave him a week ago was in the photo… he of course had an excuse. He again swore to god he wasn’t cheating, he swore over his mothers head she was nothing and to not let his past ruin our future… his past mind you was a week prior and whilst we are still dating…dating is such a small word…we were house shopping. He made me promise not to contact her and let this go… I did…he swore to god…I believed him.

I went on vacation things were fine the first couple of days I was gone…we would talk at night for a few minutes but then…two days went by I heard not even a peep from him…. I come to find out he has blocked from calling his phone… I wasn’t surprised…. So since I hadn’t heard from him I went into my others folder on facebook messages to find…. ANOTHER girl’s message!!!! We will call her Girl B….. Her message states that she Evernote Camera Roll 20150616 211346and my boyfriend have been talking since December…before your head goes spinning off let me give you a time line…Girl B—December….Me—March…Girl A-May….. Yuppppp and from what I have gathered… there was one more… for those of you following at home… I was one of 4….

So back to me trying to get a hold of my boyfriend…I message Girl A…I told her everything including a screen shot of the message from Girl B…

Let me just tell you….Girl A…not a nice girl for being the “other woman” in my relationship but I couldn’t blame her… the man was already brain washing her too…. Girl B..Super sweet poor thing was being lead astray by him for longer than me… I was able to talk to Girl B for quite awhile…this is where I learned that everything my boyfriend said was put on repeat for her and vice a versa. When I say everything… I MEAN EVERYTHING! from the plans of the future to dreams to plans to loving…. Girl A… we told her both of us messaged her… I told her he asked for my hand we were house shopping etc… her… she is only worried about a time line of events not the fact to get things straight…she says he is living there now…they are to be married and they are house shopping..He bought her a car… I was impressed…he took a month to make it work for me to fall… he did it to her in 3 weeks… this poor woman has a kid too… she tells me she is going to talk to him…. I go… go ahead girl … I don’t want him back you can have him and his lies. She ends up blocking me…after telling me that my boyfriend told her that I am a stalker and crazy… So of course I screen shot texts from him to me…crazy stalker my butt…good riddance girl I hope you learn. And I hope you learn in the timely manner I learned before things could get to bad.Evernote Camera Roll 20150617 221857

UPDATED–June 17th—

Another girl came out of the wood work with this message, the plot totally thickened in the fact that this poor girl was added to his rampage in about February. He swindled money  out of her by telling her he had cancer and needed medicine and couldn’t pay for it.  This just further proves the motivation on this guy.  It is really sad and sickening… this Girl C, says there was another girl in California…

This man was a pathological liar, a con artist, and a fraud…. Nothing he said was true from the first day because it was something that he was also saying to someone else. I still don’t understand what his goal was…  I wish there was a way to expose him for what he is for the pure fact that I don’t want others to go through what I did… I was more mad at the fact that he let my family into this act he was trying to call him loving me.

It’s funny he tried to call me the night I learned everything… I declined i knew the girl he was with was with him…I didn’t care to even talk. I talked to him finally… but it was different it was on my terms… he said he was sorry… I told him his sorry meant nothing to me… he said he didn’t want to hurt me… I told him he was the biggest coward I have ever met…. he even at this point was keeping with his lies, which for him probably felt like truths.. I told him I will find someone that deserves me and you, I hope that you get everything you deserve..  I will never forgive you for being this dishonest…. he blamed the meeting and moving in and the relationship on the fact that we started fighting…  BULL…. we started fighting because he was hiding things from me  and I could tell.

My friends and family were worried about me…I shed more tears in the relationship than any moment after realizing he was a fraud…I honestly can say I am not heartbroken, do I feel fooled…you bet… do I even question my judgement a little… yea.. I do… but it’s hard to be heartbroken over something that was a sham… it’s like being sad over the wind blowing…you can’t actually see it…you just feel it and then one day its gone just some fallen leaves in its tail.

I feel relief I was getting mad at myself for questioning his actions but it truly proves to me to NEVER ever question your intuition… at the same time…Hindsight-300x300 sometimes you don’t it was your intuition until you learned the flaw. I saw something on facebook posted by The Single Woman that caught my eye and its so true… It helps me fight off all those “I  told you so’s” because NO ONE could have seen this coming….  NO ONE…

It reminds me that you should never question yourself but you should not fault yourself for  letting yourself be open to loving.  Thank you again The Single Woman for this:

You didn‘t know. 
You trusted, and you loved, and you assumed the best of someone…and that is never wrong. 
You took a shot on love or on friendship…and that is always brave.
You believed that the other person would treat you with the same dignity and respect with which you treated them…and that is noble.
You didn’t know. You didn’t know they weren’t capable of loving you back. You didn’t know they weren’t trustworthy. You didn’t know they didn’t have the capacity or the character to handle your heart with the same care with which you handled theirs.
You didn’t know. You didn’t have all the information that you have now. If you did, you might have chosen differently…and the truth is, sometimes in life and in love it takes standing too close to the fire to learn how not to get burned.
So forgive yourself for not making different choices. Because good choices make you happy but bad choices make you better and stronger. Keep being the brave, trusting person that you are…because someday the right person will love you for it instead of exploit you for it. 
You didn’t know. Forgive yourself for not knowing. 
Forgive them for what they did. 
And let it go…armed with the beautiful knowledge that comes from going out on a limb, regardless of whether you fall or fly. 
Next time will be better.

 

***DISCLAIMER:

I didn’t write this out of angst or pay back…  I wrote this to help someone because if  what I went through helps someone… it was all worth it…I know I am so vulnerable in this being out there, but it is worth it.

Time to Shine; The Interview

The Interview, more commonly know as the “first date”. When did the all so nerve-wrecking elusive firstJob interviews are like first dates fj pm date become that of going to dinner and spend time getting to know each other over a meal. Let me first say I write this in regard to MOST dates(at the end I will explain the  best one, which happens to be the most recent). I am not an awkward person,  conversations come easy to me, I am very open and fun.  BUT, I am the most awkward person on first dates…  I am most certainly a  nervous wreck before this first date, which is another thing that is completely out of character.  We all go through it, that momen10423925_958494078466_5827869272883901243_n1t of doubt;  Am I pretty enough; will he be bored;  what will he think; should I offer to pay for myself?  I  find myself wondering this just about every single time, I am telling you the best mantra for any person go through this idea of self doubt:  The right man will like me for the right reasons…. I will only have the power to shy away mister wrong… When you start to think this everything changes.  I have a hard time in my time of “need”..which is the time when you are over analyzing everything and turn to your friends.  They can help… they also can’t,  they will give you advice on what they would do.  But you, need to do you.  I am the one who doesn’t always play by the rules, I don’t play games.  If I want to text a guy, I will text him I don’t  need to  wait for him to engage, again if this scares away the guy…they weren’t the right guy to begin with…

Ok Let me break it down:

1) You start talking—Ok so he hasn’t asked you and you keep hoping…  Let me just say…WAIT…  And for me; a girl who pretty much likes to be in charge…hardest thing I ever do  is waiting for something I want. But this is my exception, because you deserve to be desired and chased. If he asks for a number and doesn’t use it… wonder why…  communication is huge… so is action, words & intent. I had this guy who has had my number for a year…still hasn’t used it…even though we have talked & gone out.. I haven’t figured this one out…I’ll get back to you.

2)  HE finally asked; First date—chime in the nerves and self doubt, here you have been talking to this guy for awhile(at least enough to pique interest in a date)  you shouldn’t have any nerves. It is super easy to write this but TRUST me, we allinspiration_quotes_graphics_c2 have this…que the first date prep, which I want to warn you… it is going to be awkward enough so don’t try and be someone you aren’t.  Stick to you, if you feel awkward in your own skin it will show.

3)  Meeting—You meet at 7, do you try an get there at 6:45 to be early or 7:15 to be late. Do what you do, if you are always known to be late..don’t be early..be timely, but not early.  Don’t be too late, it sets a bad tone. I am hugger, I 9/10 times will go in for the hug.  If you aren’t like that, don’t do it…THAT is a recipe for a disaster. Also if something goes wonky, just laugh it off… they are probably just as nervous!

4) Eating/Drinking— For me I despise dinner as a first date(maybe its because my first dinner first (blind)date was AWFUL, year after college…oooh I cringe…it actually took me about 5 years to do that again actually), all I really want  is to get to know the  person, I can do that walking or getting coffee.  But if you are having dinner good luck,  be normal pretend you are out with friends. If you are having drinks..Don’t be a lush.. keep it to two drinks and babysit those drinks! Phones… keep your phones in your pocket there is nothing more mood ruining that checking your phone…  it is like you are waiting for something more interesting or the person  you are with is not that important.  If you have to check there are few things that can be done,  stay in conversation and add it in, maybe your friend texted you about a big whatever you’re involved in; that is a conversation starter. or simply apologize, say you are sorry you have been waiting to hear from so and so and you just were hoping it was them… Be an active listener!

5) Paying; Ok this is where it gets a bit tricky…do you offer to split it, do they expect you to pay, are they going to pay.  These are the questions most worry about.  If you don’t offer then you are that girl who expects too much, if you do offer then you risk taking away some of their manliness. I was taught all my life… if you want a man who takes care of you, let him.  If you want the guy to pay let him, you can still offer if you want to be nice but be prepared to pay(and with that it opens a whole other door of if it really was a date…)   There is no shame in  a man asking you out and him paying…society is what has changed these things for us, doesn’t mean it is how it should be.  Maybe it is me, I have a part of me that believes in strongly in gender roles, but if you follow this blog I can be a little contradictory.first-dates-are-awkward-first-kisses-are-heavenly-first-love-is-irreplaceable-and-first-hear-heartbreaks-are-unforgettable-love-quote

6)  When is it over; how long is too long to sit and talk  after the waiter has cleared the plates and the check has been paid… if the conversation is great why are you even worrying?!  If the conversation is running low trust me the date will naturally end.

7) Saying good bye; be genuine, if you want to do it again..say so.. no one is a mind reader here… hug if you want..  I personally HATE first date kisses it seems sooo obligatory, I am sucker of that random kiss me moment.  But if the night is going in that way..kiss away.. but if there is chemistry let the second date happen and let him stress about something for a change.

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8) The next step; aside from the thank you, I am home text. This is where I get really bad…  I do what I want I don’t follow the rules of the game.  This is where I believe if someone is “scared”  by it then they aren’t going to be the one who works.  But if a guy can find the quirks and can appreciate it…then they are worth the shot.

Ok I promised, I seriously had a not awkward awesome first dinner date  that didn’t leave me running to the hills.  Of course up until the moment I walked into the door I was nervous wreck and almost was late because of a last minute pep talk(I can’t believe I am admitting this). I walked in and  I was ready… and it was awesome…  I just let it be and was myself and adored  every moment!! Okkk the part that I said I am really bad at this is where I worry I will ruin it and I just have to keep telling myself  “what will be, will be”…I have to worry about worrying too much and to find the beauty in being vulnerable…..I am still working on that…

Be vulnerable, be in the moment & enjoy!

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Rejection; Just a push in the new direction

We have b624cb39c9ee871550ac0e4b52cbba96all been there, we have all been rejected at one point in our life, either in relationships, work or simply an application. I have been sitting on this topic to write about because   I feel like there are so many angles one can take when writing about rejection.  I think the best  or simplest way is to talk  about it, as with everything, the positive side of it. What you do from the rejection is what will define you  as a person, so what are your options, what kind of person do you want to be?

re·jec·tion  (r-jkshn)

n.

1. The act of rejecting or the state of being rejected.
2. Something rejected.
3. Medicine The failure of a recipient’s body to accept a transplanted tissue or organ as the result of immunological incompatability; immunological resistance to foreign tissue.

Relationship rejection: Time and time again this will happen, you will feel brokenhearted, devastated, emotional torn, defeated and hopeless. That is all understandable and expected….. but that age old advice of “there is a light at the end of a tunnel”  rings true. Every side step just puts you on a new path.  We all don’t know what our future holds for us, the way  you  get there is half of it.  I have seen it, I have felt it, I have helped many through it.  No matter what path you are suppose to be taking from this rejection, it still sucks! Your ego takes the biggest hit and has the hardest time getting over it.  In situations like this,  it is hard to know the difference between your head , your heart, and your ego; lets be honest people… sometimes we didn’t actually care on blog photo1the emotional attachment level, it was much more on the ego level.  When you are told no, or no thank you… it hits and it hurts. I would be lying if I am not speaking out of personal experience in this.  I mean there are times where I was only half in, but because my ego was playing along when the, ignoring or lack of interest came down I was devastated. the devastation came even as a surprise to myself!  I can honestly say now that the constant checking and obsession comes from the ego being bruised. I think apart of me that gets caught up is when you first meet some and things are going great, you get excited for them to text, or for you to see them etc, you start talking about them; which opens you up to questions about them later on….this is where an ego plays in…having to tell your friend oooh that guy… yea he hasn’t texted me back yet.  Some can see that as; that guy just was a dead beat or  that you did something wrong…. and no one likes to feel that.

There are sooo many different types of rejection in regards to a relationship. I don’t know about most  but I am the very up front type; tell me straight up how it is and I can handle it; I am a grown up.  But men out there don’t seem to understand that or just don’t have the man power to say it like it is. I haven’t quite found the reason why that not communicating back is easier than saying you aren’t interested or that you are busy or whatever.  I recently had a situation where I met a guy  who right off the bat had a few of those elusive qualities we want in a person…we went out a few times, chatted it up a bit..  it was fun!  I went away for awhile and when I came back it was like the encounters never happened….. well me being the unapologetic forward person that I am, I straight up ask if this is going to be something moving forward… this boy plays coy…  Of course the normal person would give up.. my ego though…ohhhh it got in the way…  I started getting a little frustrated and let it just go forward.. I acted my normal sweet self,  I text when I think of it or what. well a month goes by and it is still not quite where I thought it would be.  I kinda push  a little… and I finally get an answer… now why the heck couldn’t this boy say this, in the beginning before my ego got a chance to get involved. I think guys just don’t always know what they want and we get stuck in the middle. The rejection the uncertainty, it all comes down to a guy being uncertain and when they find someone who is certain they get timid…. rejection comes from that idea of not knowing what you want….which lets be clear…we don’t want someone who doesn’t know what they want.

“When people reject you, they really are just pushing you toward the right path” ~Whitney Cummings

If you are still having issues with your recent rejection and the idea of its better this way isn’t helping you; then here are some steps to get over it:

  • Have an appropriate grieving period. Take some time out of your life to process the rejection
  • Talk to a trusted friend. The friend you want is the one who will tell it to you straight
  • Accept the rejection early.
  • Do not take rejection personally. Remember that the rejection says nothing about you as a person. Getting rejected is part of life and it is not a personal attack
  •  Re-frame the rejection. Remembering that rejection is not about you as person, it’s time to re-frame your rejection into something else. People who talk about “being rejected” tend to take rejections more poorly than people who re-frame the rejection into something that focuses on the situation itself, not them
  •  Know when to quit. When something doesn’t work out, that doesn’t always mean you should give up, but it’s important to recognize when it’s time to give up and move on
  • Stop dwelling.
  • Use it to improve. Sometimes rejection can be an important wake-up call and can help you improve your life.

 

Good Luck!!!!!!

I am back from my Hiatus!

 Oh my goodness…  It feels sooo good to be back!!!! I am very sorry for the hiatus, I was doing 15+ hour days with school and work.  But I am back and better than ever.  I am  a licensed esthetician doing what I am super passionate about, I couldn’t be happier!
So the first thing I decide to do after getting my life figured out, blogging!!!!  How much I have missed it!!  But trust me, all my good advice hasn’t been doormat. I have been told a few times recently that I should write a book or teach a class. I think I’ll just go back to my small followers on this :)…
 I have so much going on in my head I don’t even really know to put it all to words!  In my hiatus, I  fell in love, had my heart broken, fell in lust, fell out of lust, had fun and now I am with a man who not only makes me the happiest person, he will also be surely helping me provide material for this blog….We have  a lot of history(side info, we met 2 years ago…for him he says it was love at first sight but yet  our timing never worked out the way we wanted, finally our stars have aligned). 

In my hiatus I have learned a lot, and I am ready to share my info with you.  
What is up and coming:
~Contests
~New formats
~Weekly skin tips as well as my Monday quotes  to get you through the week
~Guest writers
~Much, much more

I have more time and new found perspective to being able to write this, I hit a road block because I really wasn’t thinking I was writing to anyone.  But then I was found on facebook by a women who completely  changed my outlook and has give me inspiration to know that at least one person has and will be affected by this blog. (I am hoping one of  these posts she will be writing as a guest writer about her experience).  Overall she read my blog and is now pledging my sorority  AOII  at Purdue University. I thank her for renewing my inspiration to write my blog.  I thank her and you can thank her too, because there is more to come!!

It is Thursday!, I can’t turn my brain off

Ok, brain is a racing…..  I figure I will blog it out 🙂  
I had a friend the other day tell me I should teach a class about flirting, how awesome would that be?!  I know I can teach others how to flirt, but taking my own advice HA. It was ironic the same day I got this text about teaching  this flirting class, this girl at school asked me to help her text flirt… yup got her laid hahahathat you .  I know, I know…. crazy…  I was excited but shooooot why can’t I take my own advice, do you know how successful I would be if I did?! 


OK… soooo hypothetically speaking… ha…right hypothetical, you hook up with this guy after a good amount of time  of “singing & dancing”  around the idea… wouldn’t you want compliments, I mean not necessarily  compliments, but come on a little “that was….., or shoot where ……  come from…..”  just a little something, something   to say hey  awesome


Like I said… brain WILL NOT SHUT OFF! Figuring out the line between convenience  and sincerity….  like this constant communication is occurring because I am available for it, or because they value the conversation? Same goes for everything else, how to find the difference between the two…  I have a lot more going on about this topic to come later with my blog “he is just that into you”  spin off the idea of  He is just not that into you, the movie and stuff helps you figure out if he isn’t into you…what about figuring out if he is…  I almost think that is harder!!!! 


Even though plans change, they only change to allow for the truth to happen.  What is truly hard is figuring out what the change has opened?????


Good luck! & Good night 🙂