When too good to be true…is just that..not true

The moment you think you have met the one, the one who has everything you want in a person. We all have been there in one way or another… We start imagining the future, and they started the ideas in your head. You have let the steps roll through, they meet your family because they asked (this seems like a good thing)… This can always be scary but your new significant other sails through with flying colors; a family like mine…they don’t leave very many survivors… You let your guard down a little bit because he made it through the firing squad that is your family.

He is proving to be everything you want; he even starts all the future things you are looking for… He tells you he loves you, he told his mom about you, and he wants to ask your dad if he can marry you… Oh no… I didn’t fast forward this time line this is a 3 month span…. You don’t think anything more than wow, I found a guy who knows what he wants and how to get it.

But then….. Things don’t start to add up… You find that you’re questioning a lot more… Like multiple hospital visits where they go Mia for a whole day and night. I don’t know about you… But if I’m in the hospital I would want my significant other with me…. Hello first red flag…there were plenty more***

Habits from the beginning start changing, when he use to answer your phone calls no matter what, now you don’t hear from him for hours, or he texts back instead of calling. Those dates every other night become that of only a weekly thing, if at all. Those nightly phone calls become you calling to a “dead” phone. He stopped answering the phone with a friendly Hi babe, to a Hey?… When you start to question things, it becomes a long argument or a why are you questioning my actions, don’t you trust me? Things start going off in your head… the way that every girl starts to over think things…

This was me….. I started having my family in one ear question him and feeling like I need to defend him because he is a part of me at this point and if he looks bad, I look bad. But all the negativity was starting to get to me and luckily for me in some regard, he and I had amazing communication, we could talk about anything!! I exploded and started to talk to him about all my doubts and all the grief I was getting from my family…. I told him my fears of being made into a fool for standing up for him and I… he promised, he swore to God (which a little background, I never questioned when he said swore to god because from day one, he explained he was a God fearing Muslim, he was a praying Muslim and followed the Qur’an, Mosque every Friday and a lot more…this made me respect him and that was that). Anyways he swore to God he would not make me into a fool and he would prove all my family doubts wrong. I believed him. I believed he loved me, I believed he had the best intentions when he came to Evernote Camera Roll 20150616 231301my house a month after meeting me to ask my dad if he could marry me, I believed in the words he was painting for a future he wanted with me. His sweet words are truly what clouded my intuition, for every concern I had, he had a solution or a question… and I am strong individual and I fell for every honey soaked word he gave me. I hate to say that he played on that, but I think he at least counted on it, and used it.

I felt the relationship change, I knew something was different. I even asked, he said it was stress from work and it will be over soon. I believed him, if I didn’t what was the point of being with him. A lot of things were happening in this time that just wasn’t feeling right, but again with our open communication I would ask, he would have an excuse or reason. One morning he called me, early… to tell me that I would be getting a facebook message maybe from a girl(a girl we will name Girl A, I knew all about the this girl from what he had told me in prior conversations….she worked inEvernote Camera Roll 20150616 211346(3) the industry, they were business partners..She was a lesbian and was getting married in a few weeks…he showed me a photo and my gut told me I didn’t like her… I told him, he laughed and said I have nothing to worry about). He told me that he and she got into a fight over business and she was trying to ruin his relationship with me as pay back. We talked a lot about it… she did message me…I looked at her facebook… I saw photos of them that were not acceptable for a man in a committed relationship…. He tried to play it off as they were past photos…jokes on him…a watch I gave him a week ago was in the photo… he of course had an excuse. He again swore to god he wasn’t cheating, he swore over his mothers head she was nothing and to not let his past ruin our future… his past mind you was a week prior and whilst we are still dating…dating is such a small word…we were house shopping. He made me promise not to contact her and let this go… I did…he swore to god…I believed him.

I went on vacation things were fine the first couple of days I was gone…we would talk at night for a few minutes but then…two days went by I heard not even a peep from him…. I come to find out he has blocked from calling his phone… I wasn’t surprised…. So since I hadn’t heard from him I went into my others folder on facebook messages to find…. ANOTHER girl’s message!!!! We will call her Girl B….. Her message states that she Evernote Camera Roll 20150616 211346and my boyfriend have been talking since December…before your head goes spinning off let me give you a time line…Girl B—December….Me—March…Girl A-May….. Yuppppp and from what I have gathered… there was one more… for those of you following at home… I was one of 4….

So back to me trying to get a hold of my boyfriend…I message Girl A…I told her everything including a screen shot of the message from Girl B…

Let me just tell you….Girl A…not a nice girl for being the “other woman” in my relationship but I couldn’t blame her… the man was already brain washing her too…. Girl B..Super sweet poor thing was being lead astray by him for longer than me… I was able to talk to Girl B for quite awhile…this is where I learned that everything my boyfriend said was put on repeat for her and vice a versa. When I say everything… I MEAN EVERYTHING! from the plans of the future to dreams to plans to loving…. Girl A… we told her both of us messaged her… I told her he asked for my hand we were house shopping etc… her… she is only worried about a time line of events not the fact to get things straight…she says he is living there now…they are to be married and they are house shopping..He bought her a car… I was impressed…he took a month to make it work for me to fall… he did it to her in 3 weeks… this poor woman has a kid too… she tells me she is going to talk to him…. I go… go ahead girl … I don’t want him back you can have him and his lies. She ends up blocking me…after telling me that my boyfriend told her that I am a stalker and crazy… So of course I screen shot texts from him to me…crazy stalker my butt…good riddance girl I hope you learn. And I hope you learn in the timely manner I learned before things could get to bad.Evernote Camera Roll 20150617 221857

UPDATED–June 17th—

Another girl came out of the wood work with this message, the plot totally thickened in the fact that this poor girl was added to his rampage in about February. He swindled money  out of her by telling her he had cancer and needed medicine and couldn’t pay for it.  This just further proves the motivation on this guy.  It is really sad and sickening… this Girl C, says there was another girl in California…

This man was a pathological liar, a con artist, and a fraud…. Nothing he said was true from the first day because it was something that he was also saying to someone else. I still don’t understand what his goal was…  I wish there was a way to expose him for what he is for the pure fact that I don’t want others to go through what I did… I was more mad at the fact that he let my family into this act he was trying to call him loving me.

It’s funny he tried to call me the night I learned everything… I declined i knew the girl he was with was with him…I didn’t care to even talk. I talked to him finally… but it was different it was on my terms… he said he was sorry… I told him his sorry meant nothing to me… he said he didn’t want to hurt me… I told him he was the biggest coward I have ever met…. he even at this point was keeping with his lies, which for him probably felt like truths.. I told him I will find someone that deserves me and you, I hope that you get everything you deserve..  I will never forgive you for being this dishonest…. he blamed the meeting and moving in and the relationship on the fact that we started fighting…  BULL…. we started fighting because he was hiding things from me  and I could tell.

My friends and family were worried about me…I shed more tears in the relationship than any moment after realizing he was a fraud…I honestly can say I am not heartbroken, do I feel fooled…you bet… do I even question my judgement a little… yea.. I do… but it’s hard to be heartbroken over something that was a sham… it’s like being sad over the wind blowing…you can’t actually see it…you just feel it and then one day its gone just some fallen leaves in its tail.

I feel relief I was getting mad at myself for questioning his actions but it truly proves to me to NEVER ever question your intuition… at the same time…Hindsight-300x300 sometimes you don’t it was your intuition until you learned the flaw. I saw something on facebook posted by The Single Woman that caught my eye and its so true… It helps me fight off all those “I  told you so’s” because NO ONE could have seen this coming….  NO ONE…

It reminds me that you should never question yourself but you should not fault yourself for  letting yourself be open to loving.  Thank you again The Single Woman for this:

You didn‘t know. 
You trusted, and you loved, and you assumed the best of someone…and that is never wrong. 
You took a shot on love or on friendship…and that is always brave.
You believed that the other person would treat you with the same dignity and respect with which you treated them…and that is noble.
You didn’t know. You didn’t know they weren’t capable of loving you back. You didn’t know they weren’t trustworthy. You didn’t know they didn’t have the capacity or the character to handle your heart with the same care with which you handled theirs.
You didn’t know. You didn’t have all the information that you have now. If you did, you might have chosen differently…and the truth is, sometimes in life and in love it takes standing too close to the fire to learn how not to get burned.
So forgive yourself for not making different choices. Because good choices make you happy but bad choices make you better and stronger. Keep being the brave, trusting person that you are…because someday the right person will love you for it instead of exploit you for it. 
You didn’t know. Forgive yourself for not knowing. 
Forgive them for what they did. 
And let it go…armed with the beautiful knowledge that comes from going out on a limb, regardless of whether you fall or fly. 
Next time will be better.



I didn’t write this out of angst or pay back…  I wrote this to help someone because if  what I went through helps someone… it was all worth it…I know I am so vulnerable in this being out there, but it is worth it.

Time to Shine; The Interview

The Interview, more commonly know as the “first date”. When did the all so nerve-wrecking elusive firstJob interviews are like first dates fj pm date become that of going to dinner and spend time getting to know each other over a meal. Let me first say I write this in regard to MOST dates(at the end I will explain the  best one, which happens to be the most recent). I am not an awkward person,  conversations come easy to me, I am very open and fun.  BUT, I am the most awkward person on first dates…  I am most certainly a  nervous wreck before this first date, which is another thing that is completely out of character.  We all go through it, that momen10423925_958494078466_5827869272883901243_n1t of doubt;  Am I pretty enough; will he be bored;  what will he think; should I offer to pay for myself?  I  find myself wondering this just about every single time, I am telling you the best mantra for any person go through this idea of self doubt:  The right man will like me for the right reasons…. I will only have the power to shy away mister wrong… When you start to think this everything changes.  I have a hard time in my time of “need”..which is the time when you are over analyzing everything and turn to your friends.  They can help… they also can’t,  they will give you advice on what they would do.  But you, need to do you.  I am the one who doesn’t always play by the rules, I don’t play games.  If I want to text a guy, I will text him I don’t  need to  wait for him to engage, again if this scares away the guy…they weren’t the right guy to begin with…

Ok Let me break it down:

1) You start talking—Ok so he hasn’t asked you and you keep hoping…  Let me just say…WAIT…  And for me; a girl who pretty much likes to be in charge…hardest thing I ever do  is waiting for something I want. But this is my exception, because you deserve to be desired and chased. If he asks for a number and doesn’t use it… wonder why…  communication is huge… so is action, words & intent. I had this guy who has had my number for a year…still hasn’t used it…even though we have talked & gone out.. I haven’t figured this one out…I’ll get back to you.

2)  HE finally asked; First date—chime in the nerves and self doubt, here you have been talking to this guy for awhile(at least enough to pique interest in a date)  you shouldn’t have any nerves. It is super easy to write this but TRUST me, we allinspiration_quotes_graphics_c2 have this…que the first date prep, which I want to warn you… it is going to be awkward enough so don’t try and be someone you aren’t.  Stick to you, if you feel awkward in your own skin it will show.

3)  Meeting—You meet at 7, do you try an get there at 6:45 to be early or 7:15 to be late. Do what you do, if you are always known to be late..don’t be early..be timely, but not early.  Don’t be too late, it sets a bad tone. I am hugger, I 9/10 times will go in for the hug.  If you aren’t like that, don’t do it…THAT is a recipe for a disaster. Also if something goes wonky, just laugh it off… they are probably just as nervous!

4) Eating/Drinking— For me I despise dinner as a first date(maybe its because my first dinner first (blind)date was AWFUL, year after college…oooh I cringe…it actually took me about 5 years to do that again actually), all I really want  is to get to know the  person, I can do that walking or getting coffee.  But if you are having dinner good luck,  be normal pretend you are out with friends. If you are having drinks..Don’t be a lush.. keep it to two drinks and babysit those drinks! Phones… keep your phones in your pocket there is nothing more mood ruining that checking your phone…  it is like you are waiting for something more interesting or the person  you are with is not that important.  If you have to check there are few things that can be done,  stay in conversation and add it in, maybe your friend texted you about a big whatever you’re involved in; that is a conversation starter. or simply apologize, say you are sorry you have been waiting to hear from so and so and you just were hoping it was them… Be an active listener!

5) Paying; Ok this is where it gets a bit tricky…do you offer to split it, do they expect you to pay, are they going to pay.  These are the questions most worry about.  If you don’t offer then you are that girl who expects too much, if you do offer then you risk taking away some of their manliness. I was taught all my life… if you want a man who takes care of you, let him.  If you want the guy to pay let him, you can still offer if you want to be nice but be prepared to pay(and with that it opens a whole other door of if it really was a date…)   There is no shame in  a man asking you out and him paying…society is what has changed these things for us, doesn’t mean it is how it should be.  Maybe it is me, I have a part of me that believes in strongly in gender roles, but if you follow this blog I can be a little contradictory.first-dates-are-awkward-first-kisses-are-heavenly-first-love-is-irreplaceable-and-first-hear-heartbreaks-are-unforgettable-love-quote

6)  When is it over; how long is too long to sit and talk  after the waiter has cleared the plates and the check has been paid… if the conversation is great why are you even worrying?!  If the conversation is running low trust me the date will naturally end.

7) Saying good bye; be genuine, if you want to do it again..say so.. no one is a mind reader here… hug if you want..  I personally HATE first date kisses it seems sooo obligatory, I am sucker of that random kiss me moment.  But if the night is going in that way..kiss away.. but if there is chemistry let the second date happen and let him stress about something for a change.


8) The next step; aside from the thank you, I am home text. This is where I get really bad…  I do what I want I don’t follow the rules of the game.  This is where I believe if someone is “scared”  by it then they aren’t going to be the one who works.  But if a guy can find the quirks and can appreciate it…then they are worth the shot.

Ok I promised, I seriously had a not awkward awesome first dinner date  that didn’t leave me running to the hills.  Of course up until the moment I walked into the door I was nervous wreck and almost was late because of a last minute pep talk(I can’t believe I am admitting this). I walked in and  I was ready… and it was awesome…  I just let it be and was myself and adored  every moment!! Okkk the part that I said I am really bad at this is where I worry I will ruin it and I just have to keep telling myself  “what will be, will be”…I have to worry about worrying too much and to find the beauty in being vulnerable…..I am still working on that…

Be vulnerable, be in the moment & enjoy!



Rejection; Just a push in the new direction

We have b624cb39c9ee871550ac0e4b52cbba96all been there, we have all been rejected at one point in our life, either in relationships, work or simply an application. I have been sitting on this topic to write about because   I feel like there are so many angles one can take when writing about rejection.  I think the best  or simplest way is to talk  about it, as with everything, the positive side of it. What you do from the rejection is what will define you  as a person, so what are your options, what kind of person do you want to be?

re·jec·tion  (r-jkshn)


1. The act of rejecting or the state of being rejected.
2. Something rejected.
3. Medicine The failure of a recipient’s body to accept a transplanted tissue or organ as the result of immunological incompatability; immunological resistance to foreign tissue.

Relationship rejection: Time and time again this will happen, you will feel brokenhearted, devastated, emotional torn, defeated and hopeless. That is all understandable and expected….. but that age old advice of “there is a light at the end of a tunnel”  rings true. Every side step just puts you on a new path.  We all don’t know what our future holds for us, the way  you  get there is half of it.  I have seen it, I have felt it, I have helped many through it.  No matter what path you are suppose to be taking from this rejection, it still sucks! Your ego takes the biggest hit and has the hardest time getting over it.  In situations like this,  it is hard to know the difference between your head , your heart, and your ego; lets be honest people… sometimes we didn’t actually care on blog photo1the emotional attachment level, it was much more on the ego level.  When you are told no, or no thank you… it hits and it hurts. I would be lying if I am not speaking out of personal experience in this.  I mean there are times where I was only half in, but because my ego was playing along when the, ignoring or lack of interest came down I was devastated. the devastation came even as a surprise to myself!  I can honestly say now that the constant checking and obsession comes from the ego being bruised. I think apart of me that gets caught up is when you first meet some and things are going great, you get excited for them to text, or for you to see them etc, you start talking about them; which opens you up to questions about them later on….this is where an ego plays in…having to tell your friend oooh that guy… yea he hasn’t texted me back yet.  Some can see that as; that guy just was a dead beat or  that you did something wrong…. and no one likes to feel that.

There are sooo many different types of rejection in regards to a relationship. I don’t know about most  but I am the very up front type; tell me straight up how it is and I can handle it; I am a grown up.  But men out there don’t seem to understand that or just don’t have the man power to say it like it is. I haven’t quite found the reason why that not communicating back is easier than saying you aren’t interested or that you are busy or whatever.  I recently had a situation where I met a guy  who right off the bat had a few of those elusive qualities we want in a person…we went out a few times, chatted it up a bit..  it was fun!  I went away for awhile and when I came back it was like the encounters never happened….. well me being the unapologetic forward person that I am, I straight up ask if this is going to be something moving forward… this boy plays coy…  Of course the normal person would give up.. my ego though…ohhhh it got in the way…  I started getting a little frustrated and let it just go forward.. I acted my normal sweet self,  I text when I think of it or what. well a month goes by and it is still not quite where I thought it would be.  I kinda push  a little… and I finally get an answer… now why the heck couldn’t this boy say this, in the beginning before my ego got a chance to get involved. I think guys just don’t always know what they want and we get stuck in the middle. The rejection the uncertainty, it all comes down to a guy being uncertain and when they find someone who is certain they get timid…. rejection comes from that idea of not knowing what you want….which lets be clear…we don’t want someone who doesn’t know what they want.

“When people reject you, they really are just pushing you toward the right path” ~Whitney Cummings

If you are still having issues with your recent rejection and the idea of its better this way isn’t helping you; then here are some steps to get over it:

  • Have an appropriate grieving period. Take some time out of your life to process the rejection
  • Talk to a trusted friend. The friend you want is the one who will tell it to you straight
  • Accept the rejection early.
  • Do not take rejection personally. Remember that the rejection says nothing about you as a person. Getting rejected is part of life and it is not a personal attack
  •  Re-frame the rejection. Remembering that rejection is not about you as person, it’s time to re-frame your rejection into something else. People who talk about “being rejected” tend to take rejections more poorly than people who re-frame the rejection into something that focuses on the situation itself, not them
  •  Know when to quit. When something doesn’t work out, that doesn’t always mean you should give up, but it’s important to recognize when it’s time to give up and move on
  • Stop dwelling.
  • Use it to improve. Sometimes rejection can be an important wake-up call and can help you improve your life.


Good Luck!!!!!!

Heartbreak, break-ups, and moving on….

Holy Crap….let’s talk whirl wind life, heartbreak and loving yourself!
Be Prepared, I am trying not to shorten this story for the sake of readership, I  am using this as a level of therapeutic expression, or maybe in hopes of saving someone from the roller coaster that was my most recent relationship, but let’s be honest, you can’t save some one, you can just show them they are not alone.  It is one, among MANY things I have learned from this….
Let us start from the beginning…
Boy meets girl, girl doesn’t give him the time of day. They strike up a friendship for about 2 years because they both were attached at the time and when the stars finally (kind of) aligned in their favor…   they begin what seems like a true romance. The courting was great, dates almost every day; the man was really laying it on thick.  The girl (that’s meeee) was eating it up, and falling 
 head over heels. To the outside world there was an amazing romance happening, even to my blind eyes I was thinking this was the making of an amazing partnership. (It has taken me a long time to write this blog purely for the facts I have locked up so many of the negative memories, that I couldn’t even access them I). 
There were times that man made me feel so special and so loved that I literally could see hearts in the sky, but as our relationship aged and matured, those moments were far and few between.  I think when averaged out, I spent more time worried, upset and heartbroken then the feeling of warmth and love.  Some people might wonder why I would stay if I continued to be so un happy! I honestly don’t know what to say, maybe I saw that there was a good man in there screaming to get out, maybe it was because I loved the idea of him, maybe I saw a fixer-upper and I knew it would be an adventure. 
 Over time in our relationship we had our fights; we had our moments of wanting to end things.  There are a couple nights that stood out in my mind because they showed me his true colors and the strength I had to be the person I am. One night my sister and I went out to the city to meet him and his friends, he was already pretty deep in drinks but he was so lovey I couldn’t be upset.  A couple hours into the night he kept leaving me, there was even a point I was dancing and other guys were around me, he didn’t even show a moment of jealousy. When he was drunk beyond belief I was ready to go, we shortly realized his friends had left him in my hands.  Weird right, well later in my relationship I realized why! Well anyways we were finally leaving, and in the elevator there was a family of Indian decent and my boyfriend thought they were looking at him funny, so he tried to provoke a fight with them.  I was MORTIFIED! We got to the car and almost instantly he passed out cold, it took everything in my power to not take corners quickly. Of course my sister was in the car so I had to put on the tough girl act and make it seem like this was nothing! But this was the first time in our relationship I had seen/dealt with him this bad! The next day we had a long talk, and the outcome was don’t worry it won’t happen again and that he was sorry. I stupidly believed him!
I mean the day to day was fine and dandy, but reflecting back on those days, I could never count on him, I felt like I was the glue that flapping flag to the pole.
Another event that stood out to me, was we were out to dinner and I was looking at something on his phone and my gut told me to look at his texts messages, and sure enough I found that he went to some girls house at 4am, and spent the night….. Alright… folks what would you do? I walked out, not in a scene; I went to my car, let out a huge sobbing cry, collected myself and walked back into the restaurant. (The restaurant was where he worked and the girl was a co-worker (who he had said had a crush on him).  I walked back in, and I asked him to explain, he of course had something to say, like he went over there because there were a lot of people there and it was a party.  Well, this event is what sent us to therapy every week for 6 months.  Back story on the therapy we fought a lot about the same things, girls he talked to, his actions I didn’t understand, you know the “normal’ relationship wrinkles we were just ironing them out. HA! Ok anyways, therapy was his idea, he was like “I love you, you are it for me, let’s go to therapy maybe it can help” See folks.., those things were what kept me attached. So we went to therapy and things were GREAT our relationship was being tested in good ways and we could see the growth within, and were happy! Well, that all changed when we moved in together….OH a little thing that maybe you picked up on, or maybe not…he has a bit of an addiction problem…
I would think of him out, but when he was out he would almost punished me if I texted him, when I say that it means if I texted he would then purposely not text me back…
I use to worry about events we did on his days off and if there was booze, for both sides of the spectrum… If there was booze would he get too drunk and embarrass me, or if there wasn’t booze would he throw a fit about going, for example: my sorority sister had a wedding and it was dry, I held that fact out until we were a couple hours into our drive… When I told him he was so upset with me… That wedding was gorgeous but I couldn’t enjoy it or relax because I knew how upset\bored he was… 
The hardest thing about everything was I would do anything for him, I sucked it up and acted like a trooper for a ton of things he wanted to do and I didn’t… But for the few events I wanted my boyfriend to come too he couldn’t put a trooper face and support me…
When we moved in together I really got to see him… I think he came home almost every single night drunk, he was ok with leaving me home and not check in…. and come home after the bars closed drunk….I think I cried myself to sleep almost every night that happened….. Some nights I would be worried about him and I would call, with no answer for hours!  Then he would come home like nothing was wrong.  There was one night he got off work and asked if I wanted to go out to a bar with him, I had told him I didn’t feel well and it would be nice to have him come home.  He didn’t come home till after 2:30… And when he did come home he was loud, turned on the lights and was loud and crazy, completely disrespecting the fact I was sick, it is like he didn’t care.
 I mean I have to say, there were nights he came home all lovingly drunk and sweet and cute…but those weren’t as many as the crazy nights.  There was one night in the last two weeks, we shall call them hell weeks… he came home drunk and I had asked how his night was, and if he had fun… He lost it!  He got soo mad that I was asking him and checking up on him. I am sorry, I thought normal people asked people how the days were when they were in a relationship. He was so angry he threw this book at me, it landed behind my head and he then preceded throw some shoes too.  That night was the first night I left at 2:00am and stayed the night at my parents..  This set the huge ball of mud rolling down the hill.  He saw me leaving as a decision, not an action.  The next morning he couldn’t even muster the strength to talk.  Must be nice being a drunk, he gets to forget all of the things I can never, ever forget!   
 So the hell week, was a series of rinse and repeat, I would go to work, he was sleeping off his hangover, I would come home he was at work, I would be home, he would be at the bar, I would be sleeping he would come home drunk.  No time for us, no sober time.   I was feeling so lost, I was feeling like I was losing control of myself.  When I feel that happening I would always pray to my grandma for guidance, this time her guidance came in the form of a rescue puppy.  I have never been the impulsive type but the Monday before doomsday(the day I left)  I felt this urge to check for a puppy, I came across a listing for a rescue puppy, I went for it..  I went that moment and got it…I brought it home. He wanted it, I wanted it… the stupid ruinmate( I used the right word, he was a poison that got into our relationships cracks)  said no, mind you this ruinmate has a dog, A BIG ONE.  The fact that my boyfriend couldn’t stand up to this guy about a  little puppy was the icing on the cake… I can honestly say I left because of the dog, and I am so thankful for that dog because I don’t think I would have left when I did with out it.  I would have toughed it out because I feel like I was able to handle it, or deal with it.  But let me just say… I shouldn’t have to deal with it or handle it….no one should.  The pain, the worrying, the suffering… I feel like a whole weight has been lifted from me. It is a liberating thing to not worry about a boyfriend making a fool of himself or you, getting drunk and in trouble, or even doing something worse….
I was on the plane to San Diego which was my much deserved vacation. I was sitting next to a woman and we got to talking, she said something to me that helped bring a lot into light… She said that an addict stops aging at the age they started their choice addiction.  This makes SO much sense! He was 31 but wasn’t doing the “normal” things a 31 would do, getting secure, growing up, and settling down.  I am so glad to realize that there was nothing I could do  to help him even though the whole time I was with him I thought I could help him… This blog is not nearly as detailed as I would like, but I felt very vulnerable with giving the very intimate details, because my ex is an awesome guy for the right person and I learned  a lot from him and our relationship.  I find that I will be a better person from it and don’t think he deserves to have all of his laundry aired. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in life… I loved him.. But I had to love myself more…….
In the images below the closing,  you will see the trend and my thought process.  I would write in the little cell journal  every night that I couldn’t go to sleep because of the anger or hurt or whatever I was feeling, so instead of letting it bother me and my sleep, I would write it and forget it……
So what now??!?!?!  Stay tuned to my next post, but let’s be honest…  I am an adult and I just want to have fun!!! I already have a post brewing about being a woman and going for what you want and how it can have a serious double standard and can be discouraging! 
I still miss him… Idk why I miss him sometimes… I was a single girl with a boyfriend since the party nights were the bar tending nights 
What did he contribute?


Photo Credit to @mandyhale The single woman :

If you www.TheSingleWoman.net.don’t feel like reading all of this let me just give you the re-cap… He said a lot of words with no actions, I could never count on him… we had no trust and many issues……

October 2012 The fact he lied about when he last had sex, right after having sex with me….. The fact he hooked up with someone while pursing me….Why he would offer to meet up and talk about it, would he have told me? Opened the portal for me not to trust him. You say I’m all you want, yet when you were on your way to having me you slept with her?! I need to understand how that happened… I thought it was something of your past, is that way you don’t consider me your rebound? The fact he should know how if we plan something and he has been asked to work he should know what my answer would be because he cares and knows how it makes me feel. He knows how I feel on things and still does them.
December 2012– I should be your everything, you came to me to talk about things because I understood, and nothing has changed expect now you don’t talk to me… You talk to ones you have slept with… It is not fair to me… Emotionally to know my boyfriend who loves me is confiding in women you have had sex with. To me sex is a big deal… Doesn’t seem like it is to you. Therefore you won’t fully understand where I am coming from. The story keeps changing and the timeline keeps changing lie by submission is still a lie…. What more is there to the story, another one nighters I haven’t learned about? I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this… You know what this does to me, fix it or change it or I won’t be around to stand for it, because it is emotionally stressful and I shouldn’t have that in a loving committed relationship. The sad or good thing about it all, if you say you are done talking to them or whatever I’ll still wonder but trusting you, because you have seamlessly lied before about them, once that trust gets lost we won’t have anything so don’t make another promise you don’t intend on keeping because this little issue boils down to trust… Without trust we have nothing!!!!  If they are benefited to your life fine, but that’s your decision on what is more important….because it could be a breaking point for us if this doesn’t change or get resolved. 
Also if you say you can and you don’t, or you hide it or lie… I am gone no matter how much you mean to me because that would just show you don’t respect me and don’t care how I feel….
Have you realized this issue is always our biggest fight, yet nothing gets changed? 
Don’t make it seem like you are so much more trusting, I have not given you any reason to doubt me, you have. 
Yes past things are being brought up because they are affecting our future, I don’t want to keep fighting over this same crap, you know how I feel about this all, what you do with is your decision. 
It’s easy to say you love me and that you would do anything for me… But to actually act on that and physically show me that is different. 
Jan 2013I want a man who wants to hear about my day, who answers my call who wants to tell me where they are and who they are with not because I ask but because they want too. I wish you would check your phone the way you do when you are with me(when you aren’t around me) it frustrates me because when we are together it vibrates you jump to it but they way you are when you aren’t with me it’s like you don’t have a phone. I feel like you try and forget me when you aren’t with me. Or that you don’t think about me when we aren’t together and that bothers me. 
I need reassurance at least for awhile I don’t get that, I don’t get I loves you too or have a good nights from you…when you are out…
Strike 3…. If you can’t fix this behavior we can’t make this work 
You selfish… I sit and want to make you happy and act on it. You tell me you would do anything to make me happy. Yet you actually don’t act on it. I know you love me, act like you care about me or be in love with me.

Trust doesn’t appear it’s earned and frankly you give me no reason to trust you, Lady1 vs. Taxi, Hannah Montana at claim jumper the night you met me outside instead (when asked you were hanging with Bro 1, again a lie is a lie even if it’s a choice omission) and those are just a few.. what about every other thing I may not know..
March 2013You will lose me… The night you decided to go to her house ruined everything we have built in regards to trust and commitment… Check phone… If he called her… Why would he be compelled… If she called and he says yes… It sends the wrong message about his relationship status and commitment… To a girl it says there is a chance… I know your intentions may be to just be friends… But you have to watch your boundaries… You don’t want to cont to lead her on or get yourself in a situation you can’t get out of or you’ll regret…
April 2013- I can’t count on him, I know he has great intentions but no follow through… I’m developing a habit of hearing his words but knowingly expecting him to not do it…our relationship lacks the passion and desire in actions to be with each other.
June 2013Overall frustrated… I felt funny mad hurt sad that he chose to stay with his friend that he drug me out to “meet” sometimes I feel like he just wanted a ride… I felt used, left, unimportant…  And it’s not about his friends it’s about his drinking choosing to stay and drink rather than go with me…. That he said he wasn’t going to take shots anymore and the next day he was taking shots…. I hate that I can’t count on him….
October 2013-
 I can’t count on you to do anything you say you will, every plan we make changes 
It’s not normal to act this way, going to the bar by yourself for all hours, a couple drinks is fine. And with no desire to tell me when you are off or inviting me to be with you. It’s almost rebellious 
 Before we moved in he would tell me when he was off work and would invite me out, now he doesn’t things shouldn’t change this much
There is no romance, no wooing no working for our relationship no intimacy…
We don’t do anything I feel like all we do is argue about him drinking or going out. If he didn’t drink all the time and spend most nights out partying we would have more time for us, and we wouldn’t be fighting…
He disregards my desires of normalcy because he thinks they are from movies or Cosmo… But they are really just the things I need
There is something not right with you wanting to be out drinking by yourself over being home with me or even having me come out with you. 
This last week he spent the 3 nights he had off drinking… Not spending any time with me until the night I made him do something with me
I should not make him he should offer
He doesn’t do anything to show or prove to me that he wants me or this relationship
I can’t handle him drinking all the time
I respect him and his choice to drink but I can’t watch this happen… When he is like this he isn’t the kind if man I think I can spend my life with. And what hurt me most.. He thinks everything is ok with his actions… 
I shouldn’t be a back burner for drinking and your bar life 
I don’t like  that I went into this going off his wors of when I have my own place I’ll go to the bar less… Since we have moved in there isn’t a single night that he hasn’t gone to the bar
A night cap that lasted 4 hours… “Seeing me soon” those are all things that he says and I believe but he is never true to his words even his coming home soon at 11:30 and doesn’t come till after 1am and the worst part is I can’t even call or text to ask where he is because I am worried, he takes it as nagging.
When he told me he was going for a night cap, and he’d see me soon, I wanted to believe with all my heart that meant he was only going for a couple hours, but I knew in my head that meant he would be closing the bar down…
I don’t want a drunk for a boyfriend it’s hard because I am in love with an alcoholic and there is nothing he is willing to do to change it because he thinks it’s is normal to drink this much
I want someone who chooses me…
Not a night life or the fast scene
I don’t think he is able to go a single day with out a drink
We have fought none stop for 2 weeks I think it’s cuz he is drinking more, being unreliable and not respectful.
I put up with the actions for the first week—kid in candy store
But now— if this is how I can expect things, I can’t do this… I want more than crying myself to sleep because my boyfriend would rather be drinking at a bar…
I hate feeling jealous of others relationships when I never felt this way before…

….when the straight and narrow hits a bend…

The best feeling ever is when everything seems like it is going perfect, you are smooth sailing. You are getting all that you need and wanted. What happens when it changes, it is like hitting a brick wall. You could be doing so good a work, than one day could make you feel like it is your first day all over again. With the significant others world, you could be having those awesome eye flirts, convo’s or what ever tickles your fantasy and one little thing can make you feel like it is all over. First let me just tell you everyone has off days…don’t take it personal. Humans are emotional creatures, it would be weird if we all were perfectly expected every moment of the day. Not to mention sooo boring. You have to admit that girl in the bathroom bawling her eyes out for only god knows why at a bar after a few to many drinks is quite entertaining. Guys can be too how about that guy that gets sooo incredibly angry over a sports play or call…yup I laugh there too 🙂 On the flip side those who show nooo emotion are soo boring..its like looking at a blank slate that the artist forgot to play with. Remember to be the emotion you want to be, just do it with out theatrics, that only gets the first seat to the looney bin or basement.